To be or not to be .... "accountable" that is

This question, I am finding, is a "thorny" issue for some (perhaps many?), typically due to previously abusive situations, an innate sense of fear or insecurity or perhaps just indifference. Maybe it's as much a reflection of our culture and how we tend to view our significant relationships, not to mention ourselves. In the last few weeks this issue has come up with me twice. The first time in the words, "I don't want to be accountable to anyone" and then the second time someone looking for someone to help in their growth by holding them accountable.

So who's right and who's wrong? I would say neither, knowing something of the situation of both these people. We should never "put" accountability on anyone, in the sense of demanding or expecting. Accountability should only be invited by the person themselves, when they are ready. I would also personally add, that love without accountability is not really love, in the sense of being fully yielded to one another. I think that this is what the Spirit wants to produce within us with a few people within our 'community' and especially with our spouse (Eph 5:18b-22). It is a relational skill that by definition, ought best to be mutual, 2-way within the Christian community and not top-down, hierarchical.

Accountability requires honesty, and it helps to make us more dependable and trustworthy. It does not imply the need to be perfect but rather, it vital due to the fact that none of us is perfect. In that sense it is best practiced within an environment of unconditional acceptance ... another important characteristic of the Christian community (Rom 15:7). For those of us who see the Christian life as a journey, a journey of ongoing growth and transformation into greater Christ-likeness, then having some such relationships of mutual accountability is really crucial and, I would suggest, biblical (see James 5:15-16) because of the difference our prayers for one another can make. It is God who grows and transforms us (2 Cor 3:17-18), but he often does so within the context of loving community.

Here's some of the things I've been learning about myself that can be a hindrance to fostering healthy accountability, maybe they will help you in your own growth;

1. Am I a giving person? Do I look for opportunities to express care, meet needs or celebrate with people in my life?
2. Do I take the time to show appreciation towards people for the things they do, whether I'm a beneficiary or not? Just noticing things and expressing gratitude meets a significant need that all of us share.
3. Am I growing in my own relational courage both in personal confession and also lovingly confronting others with the truth so as to be able to strengthen that relationship? This one is harder (and avoided by most) and requires sensitivity and care. But is probably the most vital when it comes to our mutual growth (Eph 4:15)

Deep down I personally long for more of this in my life but it's risky business. Such is love.

"May the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering"

In 1732, two Moravian men decided the best way to win the slaves of St. Thomas for Christ was to voluntarily sell themselves into slavery. As their ship left the harbor, friends and relatives heard them shouting “May the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering.” Those were the last words heard from these brothers. This became the rallying cry of the Moravians for more than a century as they led the way in the evangelization of hostile peoples, often enduring unbelievable hardship and horrific martyrdoms for the name of Christ. A missionary movement was birthed by the Spirit through the united prayers of a once theologically divided community. This is what is possible when we turn our gaze and our focus away from ourselves and surrender afresh to Christ and his purpose.

This week, in one of our readings from Hebrews, we read, "Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest" [Heb 3:1] We too are "holy", which means we 've been set apart for God's purpose. What is God's purpose, this "heavenly calling" in which we share? Well look to Jesus - he is the model, the example, both the messenger (Apostle) and the message (high priest who re-connects us to God through the gospel). Our purpose is to make him known to this end, to all people groups of the world.

A key verse in my own ordination call comes from Romans, "“Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!”" [Rom 10:13-15] I fear that this has not always remained a consistent priority in my life and ministry. It seems, as I talk with various people in our network, that this outward purpose of God is often missing from our community's rhythm of life. We score highly on the inward dimension of relational care and discipleship, medium on the upward dimension of drawing near to God, but the collective outward dimension is missing. Can we really be a Christ-follower yet not be proclaiming, "The kingdom of God has come near. Repent and believe the good news!" [Jesus' first recorded words in Mark 1:15]

Tomorrow, someone I know is leaving with two others to travel to Libya for this express purpose. It is dangerous, foolish (in man's eyes) and yet strangely inspiring. I read recently of someone who commented on how exciting it was at how many Christians lived in their community. I understand that sentiment and the difference it can make at home and at work. But I wonder also whether we are collectively broken over how many around us do not know Christ, are not following him and have no assurance of sins forgiven, the Father's loving presence and future hope.

There is much being made of Rob Bell's new book, "Love Wins", and the suggestion of a 'heretical universalism' (all are saved regardless). We love our theological skirmishes it seems. But maybe by our actions most of us demonstrate a 'practical universalism'. The Moravians learned to put aside some of their differences, be reconciled in love and focus more upon the beauty and supremacy of Jesus Christ and his sacrifice. It led to a great expansion of the kingdom as Jesus received (some of) the reward for his suffering. We are invited to stand in that same tradition, with our spiritual forebears. As we pray together, he will similarly inspire and guide us, the major question is, will we heed the call?

The Power of "Being With"

In Mark 3:14 we read that Jesus appointed twelve that they might (first) "be with" him and then later that they might be sent out. We have not learned this well in the church, nor at times within our natural families. "Being with" is a godly trait ... it is even reflected in one of his revealed Names (Immanuel). It is what Jesus promised to his disciples before he ascended to heaven. It is the wonderful gift of "presence", the purpose for which Jesus died on the cross, and for which he ascended into heaven. I want to suggest that it is the foundation for helping form and shape the life of another - be it children in our natural family or believers in our spiritual family.

A friend recently blogged about her thoughts on raising children and fostering authentic spiritual life so as not to "lose them to the surrounding culture" (you can read about it here). I would suggest that behind her positive suggestions for how to best influence them for good, lies the idea of "being with". However this does not simply mean being in the same room or under the same roof, but rather learning how to build intimacy as a foundation for life, meaning and growth. This intimacy must be mutual - a vulnerable sharing of oneself whilst also seeking to deeply know the other person/child. The end of this is not simply knowledge however, but loving care. That is most likely to happen when know one another at an intimate heart level. Someone else once said, 'if you're bored with someone, you've probably not truly met them. If you're irritated with them then you haven't seen their heart.'

Such intimacy and care is what builds trust (aka 'faith') and authentic community. That is a process however, and calls for personal transformation and growth ... from us all. Jesus sought to connect and be with us at the start of this process thank goodness! We know this spiritually but I suggest that he also modeled this as a man in his appointing of the disciples. Another 'hard saying' of Jesus that I read this week as I was pondering these things, was his words in Mark 3:33-34 "Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked. Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother."

Jesus seems to be putting a high value on his spiritual family, the family of God. Can we begin to see the parallel between raising our natural children and being a part of the spiritual formation of God's children (or at least a few of them!) and that the principle of "being with" holds for both. Perhaps one of the reasons that so often 'church-goers' are seemingly lost to the culture around us, is that we are not following the example Jesus gave in inviting people to "be with" us and seeing intimate friendship as foundational to our being formed into devoted followers of Christ. It is through this connection that people are best shaped by not only conceptual truth (of the Scripture) but also the experienced truth of love as the energy of the Holy Spirit is released from us (see John 7:38).

Growing in Love for One Another

I occasionally find myself listening to someone talk about their frustrations about the 'community dynamic' within their home church. Names are not usually shared but the experience often resonates with my own experiences after working with small group dynamics over the last 25 years. Lots of factors contribute towards this but when you 'boil it down', the consequence of genuine needs being neglected is always painful. It hurts and can lead to not just negative emotions but also faulty thinking and unproductive behavior.

We must learn to grow in love and to do so more and more as Paul says to the Christians in Thessalonica. I have come up with my own list of ways we can do this in our simple churches. Love is a choice, so why not take a look, reflect on those that 'hit home' and resolve to put some into practice more often, maybe even sharing that with another trusted friend who can give you feedback in a month or so as to how you're doing. Beware of trying to do too much though and then feeling self-condemned. Better to aim at 2 or 3 for a time.

Ok, so here's the list, in no particular order. Also, think about this in terms of your whole life, wherever and with whomever you find yourself;

1. Respond to emails promptly about participation and contribution at the meeting

2. Bring something to share of what is happening in your life

3. Be more punctual - respect other people's time

4. Take initiative to connect with others outside the group gathering so as to get to know them

5. "Give first" - call people more, give a small meaningful gift, etc.

6. Seek to become more accountable/vulnerable/real - remove the mask with some

7. Listen well

8. Be curious/dig deeper by asking open-ended questions and don't move on too quickly

9. Don't be too quick to write yourself off as to the impact you may have on someone else

10. Be ready to commit or at least explore with someone why that's hard for you

11. Offer to help someone you see struggling - a little bit goes a long way

12. Beware of triangulation - speaking badly about one person to another. If someone does that to you, interrupt and encourage them to address the person directly, offering to help if necessary

13. Be a peacemaker

14. Celebrate special occasions (birthdays and anniversaries) and other's achievements

15. Pray for people - maybe just one a day or as at the Spirit leads you

16. Offer to make/bring main dish at least once in a while -can be simple, maybe team up with another

17. Offer to host

18. Ask for help - shows you're real

Hope this helps us grow together and in the Lord. Let us not withhold the Spirit's life.

Comments and additions very welcome!

Train yourself for godliness

"Train yourself for godliness ... For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe." [1 Tim 4:7 & 10]

At breakfast this morning with 2 friends and fellow Christ-followers we pondered this Scripture. One friend reminded us that when Paul talks about toiling and striving, it is not about "huffing and puffing" to make something happen, but ultimately about yielding to the Spirit and his work in us. This is meant to take the pressure off of us, especially as we increasingly rest in the knowledge that God is with us (Immanuel) and for us. He is willing as Jesus once said to the leper who said, "if you are willing, you can make me clean". Peter would also want to encourage us by reminding us that through the gospel we have been given everything we need for godliness ALREADY. "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence" [2 Pet 1:3]

The heart of the new covenant message of the gospel is 'Christ in us, the hope of glory'. So we always have hope, we are never totally at a loss, though there is still a part we play in the process of yielding. At Larry Crabb's School of Spiritual Direction we were reminded of this same truth in thinking about how we are being transformed into the likeness of Christ. He puts it like this:

Brokenness --> Repentance --> Abandonment --> Revelation --> Confidence --> Release

Abandonment equates to yielding, a turning from a self-obsessed lifestyle to a God-obsessed one. Though we would like to think that this was all done at conversion, when we first turned to Christ as Savior and Lord, the reality is that spiritual formation is a lifetime of repeated repentance and abandonment as God reveals to us new areas of our lives that still need to be conformed. This is not easy 'work' nor something that is meant to be done alone. This is why the Lord sets us in families/communities - the primary place where our self-centredness gets exposed. Hopefully within these communities we will also foster the kind of closer, more intimate friendships where this work can be embraced.

The Truth About Fitness

Friday morning, 7:30am at a certain Starbucks, is one of my favorite times of the week. For the past year or so I've been meeting with 2 guys who have become good friends. We are "Men of a Certain Age" as the title of the show goes. It's a time to catch up but also a time of spiritual reflection. This last Friday one of the guys talked about a secular article he had been reading in which people in their 50s (I think) talked about the things they regretted most as they looked back on life. Here's the top 3 answers:

(1) About 60% wished they had made wiser choices when it came to money so that at this stage of life they had less debt and more savings.

(2) The second most popular answer had to do with physical health. Today they were living with the regretful consequences of poor diet and lack of exercise.

(3) The third answer was to do with relationships and their regret at not investing themselves enough in building healthy, intimate relationships with family and friends.

It got me thinking about (and threatening to preach about!) the three foundational areas of the Christian life to which we should give significant attention and how they related directly to each of the points above;

(i) Stewardship - the strategic and faithful use of our time, treasure and talents in the service of God
(ii) Spiritual Formation - seeing our destiny as the conforming of our lives to the image of Christ Jesus and our need to be devoted to this process of transformation .... in ourselves as well as in the lives of others
(iii) The New Commandment - given to us by Jesus that we love one another as he loves us.

As we enter a new year, what better time to do some personal reflection on progress through 2010 but also prayerfully seeking a vision for what the Lord wants for you in each of these areas. Growth is a process, a long one for most of us, understanding that can be a liberating truth. But it is also a process to which God is committed and with which he is involved as a loving and compassionate Father.

This week I wanted to share some thoughts about Spiritual Formation or Health. Interestingly enough, later on Friday I went for my regular workout at 24 Hour and noticed that they had some new posters up that picked up the theme of physical health. They were highlighting "The Truth about Fitness" and there were three topics;

(a) Look Around We're All In This Together: working out with a friend will help keep you motivated
(b) At One Point, I Wanted To Throw In The Towel: establish a routine and stick with it, the results will follow
(c) No Matter How You Feel Walking In, You'll Feel Great Walking Out: regular exercise can help relieve stress and elevate your mood

When it comes to our own Spiritual Formation, the development of the inner life with God, where we grow in freedom to love and give ourselves to others, I thought about the importance of having close intimate friends. A saying of another friend of mine is 'you can't grow yourself by yourself'. We have too many blindspots and are easily prone to self-deception. I want to have a few people in my life to whom I can ask the question, 'when you are around me, what do you experience?' Scary though it is, I believe we need this kind of input and people who'll love us enough to be truthful.

There is also a place for spiritual discipline and ritual. We would all like to be spontaneous (well some of us), but daily/weekly/monthly rhythm is important also. For me this year, I would like some of that discipline to include more consistent times of quiet/aloneness/meditation and journaling. I enjoy and am energized by being with people but I also need time alone with God and my thoughts.

Just as physical exercise can make us feel better inside (once the aches and soreness subside), spiritual health and balance in our lives can also bring inner peace and joy. Which can in turn, impact us physically and relationally, giving us greater freedom to reach out and risk ourselves with others. Oftentimes I can sense in myself and others a tendency to withdraw or remain hidden, often motivated by fears within. This is one of the greatest hindrances to authentic community and friendships. Jesus said that out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. I wonder if oftentimes our hiddenness is an indication of a certain hardness or 'emptiness' of heart, reflecting our aloneness in that no-one really knows us deep down, something which God says is not good.

Core Practice #5: Grow Self, Grow Others

I was away for the discussion on growing ourselves and others but here are the notes that Steph kindly took:

Job Chapter 1 - 'Does God promise to protect us?' was how the conversation began. This is a difficult book, and a difficult passage, since it sets up the story as God bringing Job to Satan's attention and almost baiting him into testing Job. God praises Job and then allows Satan to take everything from him, with the exception that he may not touch Job himself.

Job did everything right, even God recognized this (Job 1:8). Yet God allowed Satan to test Job in a very harsh way. God refers to Job as his "servant". This was reflected on later in our discussion about how in the Scriptures, people like David, Jeremiah and Job cry out to God. Sometimes in anger and frustration, but also worshipping him in the midst of suffering, and calling themselves God's servants.

• Cultural ideas of maturity vs. Biblical - the Biblical model is relying more and more on God in all circumstances
• Maturity is driven by a hunger to draw closer to God, or pursue God (David given as an example). A relationship requires effort - commitment beyond our own immediate desires.
• Being vulnerable/humble before God and allowing yourself to be open to correction/instruction/revelation.
• Forming habits that give time and space to allow God to speak clearly into your life and to see this increase - prayer, solitude, devotional reading, etc. Classic disciplines.
• Having accountability, prayer, worship, discipling within the Body of Christ, seeing this modeled by others
• Getting out of your comfort zone and accepting that growth can often be (but not always) painful as you work out your salvation
• Growth is not about replicating a method, but having a relationship with Jesus Christ, and requires you to be gentle and patient with others and yourself and to listen to the Holy Spirit

What does it mean to increase in the grace, knowledge and love of God in our daily lives?

Addendum:
When it comes to growth, it is important to recognize not just my responsibility to myself, but also to others. A popular refrain I use would be, 'you can't grow yourself by yourself'. A passage I instinctively go to is Ephesians 4:11-16. The ultimate goal is love because this is what God is [see 1 John 4:8]. Maturity is when we learn to live for the sake of others and intentionally look to meet their needs, trusting that in the same way, others will help meet our own. Other key ideas or words in this passage for me would be 'unity', (relational) knowledge of Jesus and the working together of the different roles - apostolic, evangelistic, prophetic, pastoral and teaching - of which we are all a part according to the grace given. It calls for "truthing" (speaking the truth) in love - a connection back to the place of mutual accountability. All this is to be worked out within the context of a loving, forgiving community (family) where we are known and affirmed.

Jesus also seemed to emphasize the importance of smaller, more intimate and focused sets of friendships (as seen with Peter, James and John). We would want to encourage everyone to foster these kinds of 'spiritual friends', threesomes where there is opportunity to share how we are doing (we like to ask the question, 'how are you feeling' as a way of promoting more intimate knowing of one another) and how we sense the Lord speaking to us through our devotional practices (see 'Listening').

In addition to such spiritual friends, there is a great need for father/mother figures in the community - those who fulfill more a role of mentor or spiritual director through their love and their experience of walking in the Spirit. Be encouraged to look for such people in your life. Paul says, "Even though you have ten thousand guardians (teachers) in Christ, you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel." [1 Cor 4:15]

We best facilitate personal growth and transformation through the following;

1. Increased meeting of (Relational) Needs (provides MOTIVATION)
2. Challenging Unhealthy Thinking and resolving Painful and Negative Emotions (bring FREEDOM)
3. Initiating and learning New Behaviors (developing SKILLS)

Core Practice #4: Love One Another

"be imitators of God as dear children.
And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us,
an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma."
[Eph 5:1-2]

"walk in light ... walk circumspectly ...
be filled with the Spirit - submitting to one another"
[Eph 5:8c, 15a, 18b, 21]

This past weekend we tackled the 'thorny' subject of accountability, in the context of loving one another. I say thorny because the word itself carries baggage for some of us. We have had bad, hurtful, even traumatic experiences. Surely it's safer to simply concern myself with being accountable to God but not to other people. I don't think the Scriptures, or love for that matter, allow us to get away with this. True committed relationships naturally imply and call for accountability. The problem has more to do with incomplete or badly applied accountability. So let's correct that (as best we're able), rather than "throw out the baby ...".

Accountability is a Relational Need we all have. If we love one another, we will be concerned for one another's well-being and growth. When we glimpse something of the significance of our unity in Christ, we will understand how much one person's choices affect us all to varying degrees. We must jettison our "independent" mentality as we now belong to one another. We define accountability in this way:-

"giving and receiving (mutual) feedback consistent with the keeping of commitments made"

We must run a mile from accountability without relationship, as expressed through loving commitment. Therefore it needs to happen as we;

• Give First (take initiative to think of others and communicate care in some way)
• Provide Encouragement (by being there and speaking words that build up - don't just think them)
• Grow in 'Relational Courage' (to both give and receive to/from one another) - this is what is needed to do what we're told to do in Eph 4:15 ... "speak the truth in love"

Accountability is not to be imposed upon another but invited from another for ourselves. We are to seek to develop some relationships that provide this kind of security and support, trusting that it will be reciprocated. We are inviting people to hold us to what we are committing ourselves to become. We cannot grow ourselves by ourselves, we are not meant to. That is just a place we often find ourselves due to painful experiences in the past. Such 'aloneness' is not good for us, it never has been, it just may appear that way.

A couple of helpful questions to think about:

1. What commitments are you making that require accountability/support?
2. Who do we see as being key relationships in our lives that express this covenantal love?

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."
[John 13:34-35]

New Year .... New Opportunities .... New Growth

This Christmas has given me the (much appreciated) opportunity to devote time to reading, reflection and prayer. Part of this is done alongside Carol (who has got used to my frequent 'book quotes') and part is done 'alone'. The end of one year and the start of another often serves me as a good time to look back in remembrance and to look forward in anticipation. 2010 will be the first year we begin with no children at home. But for Brent that would make us officially "empty-nesters". With that comes a renewed desire to consider our priorities and how it is that we can be most fruitful for the Lord. At times such as this, I am easily drawn to the hindrances in me to the goals of which I dream. So today, I wanted to share with you some of what I hope to "become" in 2010, out of which I trust, the Lord will bring forth fruit to his glory. I am a list-maker and so it is most natural for me to list some of the growth goals of what I hope to become ....

1. More balanced in my life when it comes to what I will call Spiritual Contemplation. Pete Scazzero has helped me with this recently. I am particularly excited to explore ways in which I can build a rhythm of life that incorporates a balance of work, rest, community and contemplation.
2. More given to a model of shared life within the community of faith.
3. Living into a team model of leadership across the BridgePoint community in order to encourage and stimulate us towards more effective ministry and mission.
4. More free within myself, especially in the areas of my emotions by building upon what we have been discovering over the last couple of years
5. A better friend to the people in my life by doing all I can to develop more intimate relationships (Intimacy in the sense of "deep mutual knowing for the purpose of expressing care")
6. More attentive to things that will help develop me mentally (reading, conversation, blogging/diary) and physically (diet, exercise, rest) as well as spiritually (above)
7. Becoming more focused upon the things I feel I do well and through which I can make the greatest contribution. One such area would be that of providing more deliberate Spiritual Direction for those who seek it.

Perhaps this is a good place to stop - 7 being a good number of completion, though it may be as much due to my already feeling overly challenged by what I have written. I am more aware than ever that, as I am often saying to others, 'you cannot grow yourself by yourself'. For that I am grateful for the spiritual friends God has put in my life and I look forward to the mutual encouragement we can share with one another due to the gift of God that is within us. Or as said by the Apostle Paul, "that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith." [Rom 1:12]

Beauty in Brokenness

This past Sunday in our Simple Church community, we reflected upon the significance of "brokenness". For me it had been a week in which the Lord had been highlighting the the place of this in my own life through different means. We started where Jesus did in the Sermon on the Mount ... "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven" [Matt 5:3.]

For several weeks I have been struggling with a sore neck, aching shoulder and persistent numbness in my fingers. I have been to the doctor's, am working with a physical therapist, but as yet there is little or no improvement. It has meant my having to stop my P90X workout routine on week 11 of 13! The pain down my left arm made many exercises beyond me and took away much of my previous enthusiasm. Is this just old age creeping up on me? Yet I have heard the whisper of God about training in godliness and putting no confidence in the flesh.

A similar message has been heard as I read "The Safest Place on Earth" by Larry Crabb. (This was subsequently re-published as "Becoming a True Spiritual Community" and is an excellent read). I was also given an audio book by Watchman Nee - "Releasing the Spirit". Again the same call to brokenness (of self) so that the life of the Spirit can more freely flow from me in a God-glorifying way.

This last week I was away again in Rhode Island, teaching and facilitating more open relationships and personal growth in a business setting. We came up against some resistance to the notion of vulnerably sharing our pain or needs as a means of facilitating growth and closer relationships. Again I sensed the whisper of the Lord.

For Nee, brokenness is the starting point, the need to 'crucify' the outer man (as he puts it) so that we can learn to live out of the new man/identity, with new passions and perspective. Crabb speaks of learning to live out of the 'upper room', the place of union of our spirit with the Spirit of Christ.

We are growing as a community in our relationships and this is a joy to be part of. I long to see and experience more of the Christ in each one of us being released to serve and to love. yet so easily I find myself living out of self, sub-consciously relying upon self, deep down living for self. I am seeking to nurture a few deep friendships where this can be owned and recognized for what it is, so that change and growth can come forth, through the Spirit.

I have long resisted intimacy and transparency with most people. I have looked to and relied upon myself too much, so I welcome the Lord's whisper. I'm glad that it comes like a welcome invitation and not the barking command. I also give thanks for those God has put with me for this part of the journey - they are precious to me because deep down I know I cannot do this alone, nor do I want to be controlled by the fears within. No doubt, more brokenness is coming ..... by God's grace.