Constructive Conflict

Most of us don't like conflict, myself included, although I think that this is often tied to a perspective that is too narrow, not to mention our emotional 'memories' and levels of what I would call 'Relational Courage'. Conflict is an inevitable part of life - a consequence of our differences and inherent selfishness. Jesus recognized this inevitability and commended those who would engage in it's resolution when he said, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God" [Matt 5:9]. To be a peacemaker is to closely reflect the nature of our Father in heaven. Paul gave a different slant upon the same truth when he said that God had given us all a "ministry of reconciliation" [2 Cor 5:18].

Part of a more healthy perspective is to see that the experience of conflict (and the subsequent healthy resolution of such conflict) is essential for deeper, more intimate relationships and community. Some time ago, I read Scott Peck talking about the journey from 'pseudo-community' into more authentic community. The pathway will almost always take us through 'chaos' (or we might say 'conflict'). But in that moment we have a choice - to either go through the dark waters of chaos, by engaging the conflict with the anticipation of more authentic community, or we take for the 'easier' option of withdrawal or avoidance and settle for superficiality or worse still, aloneness.

So, what will help me (or you) to make the right choice so as to grow in my relationships - be they at home, at work, or with my friends? The 'Jesus' answer to this rather complex issue is to "love one another" [John 13:34]. But that in itself, is not too helpful. It needs some unpacking. So, here is my unpacking of 'love one another' as it relates to handling conflict.

• Vision - we need a vision of where we want the relationship/community to get to (whilst acknowledging and celebrating our differences) and a fresh perspective of how healthy engagement of conflict can help us get there
• Mutual Commitment - also known as 'covenant' whereby we communicate our commitment to each other's 'success', which can help to give us the relational courage (aka 'security') to be vulnerable
  
• Humility - to recognize first and foremost where our actions and words have caused pain (knowingly or unknowingly) to others by listening, and then to confess and give comfort
• Growth - a commitment to our own personal growth of hearts and hands (emotional freedom and learning new skills) so that we can reduce the risk of repeating the same mistakes and better know and support one another

For most of this to happen it will need the loving care and encouragement of others (a challenge for us 'self-reliant' types). All of this is available to us within the community of Christ. More importantly, Christ himself is with us and is on our side, but he won't do it for us.

In our work for the Center for Relational Leadership, we sometimes find ourselves helping people resolve conflict and strengthen relationships within teams in the workplace. We apply these principles in the following manner;

1. First get each person to verbally express their commitment to the other person's success and invite the recipient to comment on how that feels/sounds to them
2. Deal first with the past in the following manner. Each person prepares 2 lists. The first identifies everything they have done to contribute to the conflict. The second lists what they think the other person has done. One person (usually the more senior) starts by sharing his first list, dealing with each item with appropriate care and comfort, inviting the other person to express their forgiveness. They then ask, "is there anything else that I have missed?" This gives the other person the opportunity to share anything from their second list that has not already been covered. The process is then repeated with person #2 sharing from their first list.
3. Deal with the present by getting each of them to talk about their (relational) needs and current growth areas so as to be able to provide support to one another and to better connect and give to one another
   
4. Deal with the future by putting into words where they would like to get to in their relationship and also arranging a follow-up meeting to reflect on progress and adjust plans as necessary.

If this is possible in the workplace (and it has been a joy to see even long-standing conflict resolved), then our hopes and expectations for our Christ-centered communities, families and friendships should be even greater.